from Wendy Falling
time to get on with the day's work. What'll it be today? Oh, I know! How
to tell a story)
Short History of Me, by Wendy Falling. Once upon a time there was a little
girl, a lonely, awkward little girl who refused to grow up and never did
what she was told .... No, no, let's not have that one just now. Anyway,
that was Mum's version of things.
(backdrop): A Celestial scene.
I know--a classic! In the beginning ...
she claps her hands in glee)
perfect! In the beginning, life was good but a little old-fashioned. Then
we invented laundromats, cars, drive-in theatres, and ice cream cones,
breaking her narrative)
love 'In the beginning' stories. Very grand and godly and all that ...
where was I?
as she collects her thoughts)
yes! In the beginning, a people known as the Ancients created God, who
was a kind of exalted service rep for the human condition
was profane, brutal and insubstantial. Whenever something went wrong with
their lives they just called on God and blamed Him for it. Gradually God
grew tired of this and went on a long journey from which he did not return.
you look closely up at the sky somewhere between the constellations Orion
and Cassiopia, you can just make out a little god-shaped hole in the blackness.
to her narrative)
came my personal favourites the Goddesses of Lingerie and Garage Sales
who were roommates until they had an argument one night following a dinner
came Mother Goddess, also known as the Womb Of Chaos or the Great Abyss.
she only knew what they called her!
to the narrative)
all these gods died out, an old man named Abraham Ferdman left the Holy
Land and founded Miami so the Jewish tribes would have a winter vacation
resort. Now this Abraham was no ordinary migrant wandering with his flocks
in fields by night. No. Abraham was a worldy man who personally experienced
437 epiphanies in his lifetime. He held a world record for divine revelations.
Of course, people lived several hundred years longer back then. But still--437?
Can you imagine? In one revelation he was shown his future life as a 16-year
old pre-med student in Manchester. Well, that scared him!
SCREEN (backdrop): A beautiful athletic male nude
evening not long afterwards, he met a perfect stranger and wrestled with
him all night long. In the morning the stranger was still there so they
wrestled some more. And enjoyed it! It was around this same time God sent
the Seven Fearsome Plagues, including plaid, seersucker and red jump suits.
narrative to give an aside)
you can see, they weren't much interested in realism back then, just the
God scored heavy duty points for being able to pull that one off so the
people struck a bargain. In return for Yawheh's protection they would make
Him their only god.
voce as she looks around to make sure she isnít overheard)
in god was considered highly practical at that time, however. To ignore
a potential source of manna was politically foolhardy.
going to be 30 years old tomorrow. It looks like I'll be celebrating alone.
Well, cheers to me!
wonder how much longer this can go on?
© Jeffrey Round 1993